Welcome to the show! How’s everybody doing? So great. I’m still wearing the jacket, though tonight, it sparkles ironically. And if haters wanna call me a sad liberal Liberace tough titties, I said it first. So how did everyone get this so spectacularly wrong? Pollsters, the media, the keeping at 1600 nerds, us — what was the x factor that none of the forecast accounted for? okay I have a confession to make — a few years ago I appeared on a little show called Law and Order. You may know Vanessa Carville. She’s being blackmailed. After it aired, the 20 season hit series was canceled even though there were still six people in New York who hadn’t yet appeared on it and then last year I gave a tasteful interview in playboy. The next day, Playboy cancelled nudity I guess I didn’t notice the pattern because yesterday I voted in an American election for the first time and I broke America. I am so sorry. And please don’t even think of writing something stupid like, what a lucky break a Trump presidency is for comedians! The jokes just write themselves! No, no, no, shut up. Jokes don’t write themselves, Jews write jokes, and they are scared shitless! believe it or not this isn’t a great day to be part of the most diverse staff in light night. They’re not in a very jokey mood this is the script they handed me this morning, right before vomiting on my shoes you know, I don’t say this very often but I should have hired more white dudes. I mean, look at Mathan — best-case scenario he gets stopped and frisked daily worst-case scenario he gets erroneously deported. I mean, what kind of name is Madeline anyway? Look, this isn’t good for anyone our democracy just hacked up a marmalade hairball with the whole world watching what we did was the Democratic equivalent of installing an above-ground pool. If we’re lucky and it doesn’t seep into our foundations, the neighbors will never look at us the same way again. In the coming days, people will be looking for someone to blame — the pollsters, the strident feminists, the Democratic Party a vengeful God — but once you dust for fingerprints, it’s pretty clear who ruined America: white people. I guess ruining Brooklyn was just a dry run The caucasian nation showed up in droves to vote for Trump, so I don’t want to hear a goddamn word about black voter turnout. how many times we expect black people to build our country for us, white people? this is the worst thing we’ve ever– no, I’m sorry, that’s a very high bar. But holy shit. And don’t try to distance yourself from the bad apples and say “it’s not my fault, I didn’t vote for him! hashtag not all white people” shush, shush, if Muslims have to take responsibility for every member of their community, so do we. three percent of white men said, if I can’t be in charge, burn it down. Which surprised exactly no one. And a majority of white women faced with the historic choice between the first female president and a vial of weaponized testosterone said, I’ll take option B, I just don’t like her. Oh hope you got your sticker ladies, way to lean out did you not hear people of color begging you to not legitimize this? to be fair, that was when they were behind in the polls, which can cause stress Tourette’s. Oh I’m sure they’ll be gracious winners (VAN) You won.
(COREY) So where is the conciliatory note saying I want my people to support one president? where’s that message?
(VAN) you won. (COREY) say it again, I didn’t hear you
(VAN) You won. (COREY) That’s right and Hillary Clinton should say that to the American people and say support Donald Trump (VAN) Corey, you’re being a horrible person right now That is the gentle, reasonable tone of a black man who knows it’s going to be illegal for him to raise his voice for the next four years. I’d also like to congratulate the Patriot in a pickup truck who escorted one of my staffers on his walk to work this morning shouting payback for Obama time, no more socialist Muslim. Oh, I think the healing has begun, guys. Trump himself, to his credit, struck a much more conciliatory tone than his ring rates. Hillary has worked very long and very hard over a long period of time and we owe her a major debt worked hard and owed a major debt? I’m not sure whether he’s describing Hillary or one of his contractors. But at least he was magnanimous in victory it could be worse. Imagine a tie. No, don’t imagine it, imagine my jacket, it sparkles. America is still a great country and it is still worth fighting for. It has Shonda Rhimes shows, and peanut butter, and Beyonce and Lin-Manuel Miranda rap-weaping at awards shows, and it has the beautiful US Constitution. Which we should probably start teaching in schools. We still get to take pride in the peaceful transfer of power. and to all the little girls who are watching this, never doubt that you are valuable and powerful and deserving of every chance and opportunity in the world to pursue and achieve your own dreams. And if Ms. Rodham’s not in the White House, that’s okay. one of those girls is going to be. We still have millions of nasty women who aren’t going away and as long as women over 20 are still allowed on television, I’ll be here, cheering them on. although that may only be till late January. Here’s here’s some good news that you may not have noticed if you were busy comforting a sobbing child who thinks he’s gonna get kicked out of America. The voters of arizona decided racial profiler extraordinary Joe Arpaio did not deserve a seventh term as sheriff. Well done. Ilhan Omar whose political journey began in a Kenyan refugee camp will be America’s first Somali-American legislator. Yes. Catherine Cortez Masto will be the first Latina u.s. senator. Kamala Harris will be our first Indian senator and California’s first African-American senator! Double milestone! And let’s hear it for Senator Tammy Duckworth. You may remember her from such debates as war hero v. racist my family has served this nation in uniform going back to the revolution I’d forgotten, uh, that your parents came all the way from Thailand to serve George Washington she’s moving into his office I like that Congress is starting to look more like this and less like this. do you? then let’s get off the floor and get busy. Especially you, white women, we got some karma to work off. We’ll be right back.