The Late Show’s Post-Election Thanksgiving Survival Tips


WELCOME TO “THE LATE SHOW””
EVERYBODY. I’M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT. HAPPY THANKSGIVING EVE! I HAVE A LOT TO BE THANKFUL FOR. I HAVE MY FRIENDS I WORK WITH. WE LIVE IN THE GREATEST COUNTRY
IN THE WORLD, THAT’S FOR SURE. AND YOU KNOW WHO HAS A LOT TO BE
THANKFUL FOR? DONALD TRUMP. NOT ONLY IS HE GOING TO BE THE
PRESIDENT, BUT HE HAS THE MOST AMAZING FAMILY. YESTERDAY HE TOLD STAFFERS AT
“THE NEW YORK TIMES” THAT HIS SON-IN-LAW JARED KUSHNER
COULD HELP BROKER PEACE IN THE MIDDLE EAST. AND AFTER THAT, MAYBE HE COULD
BROKER PEACE BETWEEN AMERICA AND THE OTHER HALF OF AMERICA. ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) JUST LIKE– PLEASE. PLUS, DONALD TRUMP IS THE
RICHEST PRESIDENT EVER. SURE, LINCOLN MADE A FORTUNE ON
THOSE LOGS, BUT THEN HE LOST IT ALL ON HIS GIANT HAT ADDICTION. ( LAUGHTER )
VERY SAD. AND WITH ALL OF TRUMP’S
BUSINESSES, THERE ARE BOUND TO BE CONFLICTS OF INTEREST. FOR INSTANCE, LAST WEEK “ABOUT
100 FOREIGN DIPLOMATS FROM BRAZIL TO TURKEY, GATHERED AT
THE TRUMP INTERNATIONAL HOTEL IN WASHINGTON D.C. TO SIP
TRUMP-BRANDED CHAMPAGNE, DINE ON SLIDERS, AND HEAR A SALES PITCH
ABOUT THE U.S. PRESIDENT-ELECT’S NEWEST HOTEL.” WELL, OF COURSE, TRUMP HOTELS
SERVE SLIDERS. I MEAN, THOSE MINI-BURGERS MAKE
TINY HANDS LOOK HUGE. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
BUT I’M NOT SURE THE SALES PITCH WAS EVEN NECESSARY. ONE DIPLOMAT SAID:
“WHY WOULDN’T I STAY AT HIS HOTEL BLOCKS FROM THE WHITE
HOUSE, SO I CAN TELL THE NEW PRESIDENT, ‘I LOVE YOUR NEW
HOTEL!’ ISN’T IT RUDE TO COME TO HIS
CITY AND SAY, ‘I AM STAYING AT YOUR COMPETITOR?'”
YEAH, IT WOULD BE RUDE FOR A FOREIGN DIPLOMAT TO MEET
PRESIDENT TRUMP AND NOT STAY AT A TRUMP HOTEL, SAME WAY IT WOULD
BE RUDE TO COME TO AMERICA TO MEET PRESIDENT KENNEDY AND NOT
FLY INTO J.F.K. AND LAST WEEK, TRUMP ALSO MET
WITH SOME OF HIS INDIAN BUSINESS PARTNERS WHO ARE BUILDING A
TRUMP-BRANDED LUXURY APARTMENT COMPLEX SOUTH OF MUMBAI, SEEN
HERE ON TWITTER, GIVING TRUMP THE THUMBS UP AND ETHICS THE
MIDDLE FINGER. ( LAUGHTER )
, OF COURSE, NOW THAT HE IS GOING TO BE THE PRESIDENT,
BUSINESS CANNOT OCCUPY ALL OF DONALD TRUMP’S ATTENTION. HE’S GOT TO SAVE THAT FOR
TWITTER, LIKE HIS RECENT TWEETS ABOUT “SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE.” “I WATCHED PARTS OF @NBCSNL
“SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE” LAST NIGHT. IT IS A TOTALLY ONE-SIDED
BIASED SHOW, NOTHING FUNNY AT ALL. EQUAL TIME FOR US?”
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
“EQUAL TIME FOR US?” ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
EQUAL– I DON’T UNDERSTAND. WHAT DOES THAT MEAN, “EQUAL TIME
FOR US?” THAT’S NOT HOW IT WORKS, BUDDY. YOU’RE GOING TO BE THE
PRESIDENT. THAT’S THE GUY WHO GETS MADE FUN
OF. IF YOU WANTED TO BE SOMEONE
EVERYONE LOVES, YOU SHOULD HAVE RUN FOR ICE CREAM MAN. AND IT’S THE PERFECT JOB FOR
SOMEONE WHO CAN DISH IT OUT BUT CAN’T TAKE IT. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
AND ON MONDAY, TRUMP POPPED OVER TO THE YOUTUBE TO ADDRESS TO THE
NATION.>>TODAY, I WOULD LIKE TO
PROVIDE THE AMERICAN PEOPLE WITH AN UPDATE ON THE WHITE HOUSE
TRANSITION AND OUR POLICY PLANS FOR THE FIRST 100 DAYS. ON REGULATION, I WILL FORMULATE
A RULE WHICH SAYS THAT FOR EVERY ONE NEW REGULATION, TWO OLD
REGULATIONS MUST BE ELIMINATED.>>Stephen: THAT’S RIGHT. FOR EVERY NEW RULE, WE LOSE TWO
OLD ONES. “HMM, OKAY, SO WE JUST SET NEW
STANDARDS FOR CARBON EMISSIONS, SO ARSON AND MURDER ARE LEGAL
NOW.” ENJOY. OF COURSE, THE PRESIDENCY WASN’T
THE ONLY THING PEOPLE VOTED ON A COUPLE WEEKS BACK. THERE WERE ALSO A LOT OF STATE
BALLOT INTIATIVES. FUN FACT: A FEW OF THEM WEREN’T
ABOUT LEGALIZING POT. THERE’S A WEIRD ONE IN COLORADO. THE STATE’S CONSTITUTION HAS
SOME OLD LANGUAGE IN IT THAT STILL ALLOWED SLAVERY AS A
PUNISHMENT FOR CRIMES. THE BALLOT INITIATIVE WOULD
ABOLISH THAT KIND OF SLAVERY, AND ON NOVEMBER 8, IT LOST. SEE? YOU DON’T HAVE TO BE DEPRESSED
ABOUT THE PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION. YOU CAN BE DEPRESSED ABOUT THIS
INSTEAD. HERE’S THE DEAL. THERE WAS NO ORGANIZED EFFORT IN
COLORADO TO KEEP SLAVERY. SO WHY IS IT STILL IN THERE? SOME PEOPLE ARE SAYING IT’S
BECAUSE THE QUESTION ON THE BALLOT WAS CONFUSING. IT SAID, “SHALL THERE BE AN
AMENDMENT TO THE COLORADO CONSTITUTION CONCERNING THE
REMOVAL OF THE EXCEPTION TO THE PROHIBITION OF SLAVERY AND
INVOLUNTARY SERVITUDE WHEN USED AS A PUNISHMENT FOR PERSONS DULY
CONVICTED OF A CRIME?” UHHH… MY FINAL ANSWER… WHAT IS LINCOLN, NEBRASKA? ( BUZZER )
WHO IS LOUIE PASTIEWR? ( BUZZER )
DAMMIT! WHY DID IT HAVE TO BE SO
COMPLICATED? JUST WRITE, “SHOULD WE HAVE
SLAVERY?” A) YES. B) NO. C) NOW, LOOK, I’M NOT RACIST,
BUT…” ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )>>Jon: HEY, HEY! I LIKE THAT ONE!>>Stephen: YOU LIKE THAT ONE? YOU LIKE THAT ONE? YOU SHOULDN’T LIKE THAT ONE. YOU REALLY SHOULDN’T LIKE THAT
ONE. I’M HERE TO TELL YOU. OF COURSE, SOME OF US ARE HAPPY
WITH THE OUTCOME OF THE PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION, WHILE
OTHERS ARE SURVIVING ON CUPCAKES AND BOURBON. AND AFTER ALL THIS TENSION, IT’D
BE GREAT TO TAKE A BREAK FROM TALKING POLITICS, EXCEPT THAT
TOMORROW IS THANKSGIVING, THAT TIME OF YEAR WHEN FAMILIES COME
TOGETHER TO BE THANKFUL OUR ELECTIONS HAPPEN ONLY ONCE
EVERY FOUR YEARS. I LOVE THANKSGIVING, 75% OF THE
TIME, BUT THIS IS THE 25% THAT IS GOING TO SUCK. BUT CAN WE GET THROUGH THIS? I BELIEVE WE CAN. AS LONG AS WE REMEMBER THAT
BLOOD IS THICKER THAN WATER, AND THAT BLOOD DOESN’T COME OUT OF
THE LINEN TABLECLOTH. PUT THE KNIFE DOWN. SO THIS YEAR, YOU HAVE A FAMILY
DUTY TO TREAT YOUR POLITICAL OPINION JUST LIKE GRANDMA’S
JELLO MOLD– CHOKE IT DOWN, AND KEEP IT DOWN UNTIL THE GUESTS
LEAVE. ( APPLAUSE )
GOOD OLD GRANDMA. GOOD OLD GRANDMA. AND I’M GOING TO HELP YOU
TONIGHT. THIS IS “THE LATE SHOW’S
POST-ELECTION THANKSGIVING SURVIVAL TIPS,”
BROUGHT TO YOU, AS ALWAYS, BY CRANBERRY SAUCE OUT OF THE CAN. CRANBERRY SAUCE
THE JIGGLING MEANS WE MADE IT WITH HOOF ♪
THESE ARE A FEW GUARANTEED WAYS WE MADE IT OUT OF HOOF. TIP NUMBER ONE: THE TRYPTOFAN
IN TURKEY HAS A NATURALLY CALMING EFFECT, SO REMEMBER TO
EAT A LOT OF IT WHILE DRIVING TO DINNER. TIP 2: CHANGE UP RECIPES. THIS YEAR INSTEAD OF GROUND
NUTMEG ON THE PUMPKIN PIE, HOW ABOUT A LITTLE SHAVED XANAX? ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) TIP 3: JUST BECAUSE DINNER’S
NOT READY YET DOESN’T MEAN YOU SHOULDN’T BE EATING. REMEMBER, AN IDLE JAW IS THE
DEVIL’S PLAYPEN. ( LAUGHTER )
TIP 4: COOK A SECOND TURKEY. NOT TO CARVE. FOR EVERYONE TO STAB. ( LAUGHTER )
TIP 5: THE TRADITIONAL TOUCH FOOTBALL GAME IS A GREAT WAY TO
GET OUT AGGRESSION WITHOUT RUINING DINNER. SO THIS YEAR, MAKE IT TACKLE TO
THE DEATH. TIP 6: CREATE NEW THINGS TO
TALK ABOUT BY CHANGING UP TRADITION. FOR INSTANCE, THIS YEAR, DEEP
FRY THE TURKEY. YOU CAN’T TALK ABOUT POLITICS
WHEN YOU’RE BUSY BATTLING THE GARAGE FIRE. ( LAUGHTER )
TIP 7: DEFINITELY PREPARE A VEGAN OPTION FOR YOUR NIECE HOME
FROM COLLEGE. THAT WAY, EVERYONE CAN GANG UP
ON HER. ( LAUGHTER )
TIP 8: REMEMBER, THESE ARE YOUR RELATIVES, SO TRY NOT TO SEE
THEM AS POLITICAL OPPONENTS BUT RATHER AS POTENTIAL KIDNEY
DONORS. STAY ON THEIR GOOD SIDE. ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) DO ALL THESE THINGS– YOU NEVER
KNOW. DO ALL THESE THINGS, AND I
GUARANTEE A WONDERFUL THANKSGIVING. AND THAT’S IMPORTANT BECAUSE YOU
CAN PICK YOUR FRIENDS BUT YOU CAN’T PICK YOUR RELATIVES– OR,
EVIDENTLY, PICK YOUR PRESIDENT, THANKS TO THE ELECTORAL COLLEGE. WE’VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU
TONIGHT. DANNY DEVITO IS HERE. BUT FIRST, WHEN WE RETURN, I’M
GOING TO HELP SOME MORE AMERICANS COOK THEIR
THANKSGIVING TURKEY. STICK AROUND, EVERYBODY!

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Comments

  1. Look, I love my country, but America is not the greatest country in Earth. Canada is! Healthcare, environmental protections, strong economy, and people who actually believe in science and diversity!

  2. "We live in the greatest country in the world!" Which somehow is the only developed country in the world without free healthcare & education, while the media ignores brutalization of peaceful protesters protecting their own damned land and water. First video of yours I've thumbed down. Screw willfully blind patriotism. We WERE the greatest country in the world, now we need to fix the hell it's been turned into by getting the money out of politics.

  3. who wants to see donald sucking a persons d*ck?

    WARNING: the following link will send you to a site that allows online scans of mangas japanese version of comics, but they are translated into english(and it is read from right to left)), purely fictional, but HELL did they a good job turning trump into a pussy:

    http://mangafox.me/manga/baki_dou/v14/c135/1.html

  4. Hilliary's concession speech "This is painfull & it's going to be painfull for some time"   may have very well held the key to a Hilliary Presidential victory….back in the day when Hilliary became aware of Bill's daliance & deception she maintained stoic likely to preserve her dignity but it backfired because she was perceived as being heartless & cold and almost complicit. The public, especially women, needed her show some disapointment & disaproval at the time as any wife would… they never questioned her education or her experience . Hilliary's reputation became very Margaret Thatcher like getting a reputation as an "Iron Lady"….Margaret Thatcher led the country through some very tough austerity measures and was thanked with a bomb thrown through her bedroom window while she slept a few feet away. It seems people still want to know that someone cares before they care what that person knows….especially when that person is a  woman.

  5. Megyn Kelly interviewed Rep Sean Duffy (Trump Supporter) after Trump drops promise to investigate Hilliary Clinton with a designated prosecutor. Sean Duffy explains that Trump's team now has more important things to do "…making America great again & "putting a Chiken in every body's Pot". I'm not joking here, Sean Duffy actually said the chiken in the pot thing and I have to say that in terms of the Psychology of Persuasion visual cues like this are very succesful and may actually, believe it or not, have contributed in part to Trump's Victory. The visual of "…The big high wall with a big beautifull door that will let the vetted people in and the " Bad Hombres" out is a very powerfull tool for persuasion. So is the use of the word "Ban" where it pertains to certain ethnic groups. The imagination takes these persuasive visual cues and runs with them particularly in vulnerable individuals during times of uncertainty. The "Chicken in the Pot" visual is like lottery ads that elude to |Prosperity  …Just imagine the freedom…. Persuasion is a sales tactic and visual representations form part of the tool bag. Trump & his team are  good at it. It also doesn't hurt that Trump played a decisive "Boss" on a popular TV show and is wealthy by all accounts….he has what everyone wants. Combine Trump's ability to persuade with Hillary's Iron Lady persona and you've got the perfect recipe for a Trump presidency helped along the way by reinforcement of another of Trump's visuals of Hillary as "Crook". Meanwhile here in Canada Trump Toronto Tower has been placed in receivership due to sluggish sales of the luxury condos and a Russian Billionaire failing to make payments. Residents & other investors are in the process of removing & replacing the Trump name because in a diverse multicultural centre like downtown Toronto where "Black Lives Matter" activists blocked the Citys gay pride parade the Trump brand now synonymous with racism & exclusionary ideals has no place. I know that Trump will declare at some point that he was the "Best" American President ever elected…for all our sakes I hope the Trump team can deliver….and oh by the way…if my 2nd year psych prof is reading this FYI ….i can play Tetris and listen to you lecture on persuasion…. Apologize!

  6. that "family duty" to keep your political opinions to yourself in the face of opposition/racism is kin to keeping your mouth shut while the black family down the street is harassed and/or lynched…that "keep to yourself" attitude is what let racists into positions of power in the first place!

  7. dear Trump,

    Thank you for keeping your voice so flat so we can all wonder who took away your emotions

    sincerely, the person who wrote this

  8. "I watched parts or @nbcsnl Saturday Night Live last night. It is a totally one-sided, biased show – nothing funny at all. Equal time for us?"

    Dear Mr. Trump,
    Once upon a time, (1949) the FCC implemented the fairness doctrine, in 1987 it went away. Thus we have FOX news, CNN & MSNBC and It doesn't have to be fair and balanced anymore.

  9. Why does there have to be a ballot initiative to remove slavery from Colorado Constitution? Can't the legislators do this???

  10. Fuckin commies, walking around, using their American rights to have opinions. PFFT YOU DONT GET AMERICAN RIGHTS IF YOU TRY TO USE AMERICAN RIGHTS! ARREST ALL PEOPLE WHO SAY ANYTHING BAD ABOUT TRUMP FOR POLITICAL DELINQUENCY!!!

    (blatant sarcasm coming from a leftist commie forcing his shaming, anti-white racism in our faces so we feel bad about killing that jew a couple days ago!)

  11. it's hard to be positive, especially when the reason the world is such a terrible place is because of people who have the mindset of Republicans and libertarians.

  12. Colbert sucks so hard now. He was only funny when he imitated Bill O'reilly. Now he's just trying not to look like a fool after betting the farm on Hillary.

  13. So, if two regulations are eliminated for every one that gets implemented, eventually there will be NO regulations left. Oh, wait. Maybe that's what he was going for. Stephen Colbert and John Oliver are going to help me keep my sanity for the next four years!

  14. America? The greatest country in the world? HAHAHAHAHAHA Yes, because nothing says greatness like having Donald Trump as your President. When will Americans get their head out of their ass and realize the world is bigger than themselves.

  15. I love Trump's youtube posts. I just went to make sure he'd disabled comments, and as a bonus discovered he'd disabled ratings as well! Didn't bother watching them, though. If he doesn't need to hear from us, we don't need to hear from him.

  16. Why do Americans always have to say "We live in the greatest country in the world"? Like do you realize that isn't true on an economic level, a gdp level, a safety and security level, an educational level, a health and well-being level, an environmental level, just on so many levels.

  17. Funny how Colbert glosses over the "slavery" law without mentioning that indentured servitude is a consequence of a profit-driven prison system. Still salty as fuck about the election when it doesn't go HIS way. You spent a year joking about Donald Trump, and now the joke is on you.

  18. It's interesting to watch all of his videos from before the election making fun of trump. Seems pretty silly now. How about a Hungry for Power Games for Hillary? I doubt we'll see that.

  19. High speed rail Would Bring American Industry Back too America🚈🚆🚅🚄🇺🇸☕ …Or maybe some folks just wanna Work at Mc Donalds For Eternity …⁉😒😒😒

  20. Tip 7 hunker down for 4 years than pop your head up, maybe it will be a better world or you will see your shadow than duck down again for 4 more years, if the earth is still around!

  21. "…if not ,he should be an ice-cream man who can diss it out but can't take it",wow!!!such sarcasm haha right to the point :') u the man colbert!

  22. the slavery used as punishment for crimes bit is actually in use, the US prison system use it to let the private prisons make their inmates work to generate profit, otherwise they have to pay at least the minimum wage for those work.

  23. HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA ! Keep cryin dems, it's all over and it turns out you lost. That terrible feeling you've had since trump won is the same one we conservatives have had to live with for 8 years under obama as he's pushed his socialist agenda. Try moving to California and leaving the Union.

  24. I was hoping that trump would be assassinated or impeached, but that means Pence would take his spot and hes just as if not more fucking stupid than Trump is. Well looks like we are fucked.

  25. I used to love to watch you until you have BAMBED President Elect Trump before and after the Election.. maybe he needs to back his mouth …… I refuse to watch his segment anymore …… lets see how perfect you are Stephen Colbert.. do you want everyone to Critique you ????????? yes I know you are a funny but I do not anymore… DO NOT LIKE … why dont you look at yourself and see how perfect you are 🙂 just saying

  26. I use to like you, Now I like to $%& ^&^@#^@ [email protected]$R and many more things. You are very disrespectful person. I did not like who I had to vote for. But to vote for her with 4 dead Americans blood on her hands. And you feel she is worth the office. now sir you are just as bad as Trump is. put the shoe in your mouth and pick a fight with something that is worth a fight. he is in now. and needs support. So take off your vagina panties and put on your big boy jeans and dust off that man card and start working on talking to him and help what we need help in. USA not others. Our vets are sleeping in the streets. you don't care, Families are homeless, and you don't care. You have a platform to help and you rather be something else. Your one person I care not to ever meet.

  27. Stephen Colbert's vocabulary: Trump, Trump, Trump, racist, Trump, America, Trump,bigot, Trump. Be thankful for Trump Stephen, you wouldn't have material without him.

  28. Stephen is so scared for his viewers to talk politics to Trump supporters he's literally telling them to shut up. haha Are you afraid your, "you're a RACIST!" rhetoric will fall flat under an ounce of critical thinking? It will.

  29. Should Donald Trump be threatened with his own proposed anti-slander laws when he comes out with a baseless rant, about voter fraud. Surely, that implies state incompetence, or complicity. Or just ask him for evidence.

  30. Yeah I live in Colorado and I cannot believe the slavery thing lost. The ballot was kind of confusing and that is definitely why it lost. I mean it's slavery! Come on colorado.

  31. I miss the days of David Letterman. Colbert has made a mess of the late show. it's not even funny. way too political

  32. what happened to 'talk to your whites'? seems like thanksgiving is exactly when you should be talking to trump supporters you are related to, they are the most likely to listen to you. nothing will change if y'all don't start conversations with your racist families.

  33. I love Stephen but I'm getting sick and tired of his anti trump bullshit. He may not be the best candidate but he's gonna be our president. He's only promoting the division of our nation at this point. I just want him to get back to his typical Colbert comedy.

  34. Huh, I'd expect this video (just like every other video on this channel that criticizes trump) to be downvoted to oblivion right now, but it seems this didn't happen. Could this perhaps be more evidence that trumptards go out in groups to just search for "trump" on youtube and just downvote any videos that talk shit about him?

  35. "We live in the greatest country in the world. That's for sure."
    [rolls on the floor, laughing out loud. Falls over] And here I thought, comedy was dead.

  36. Fun fact, the jiggling means they made it with cranberry.

    Normally he'd be right because that'd mean they introduced Gelatin to the mixture, which is a protein compound made from collagen, and is used to make Jell-o. Hooves are full of collagen.

    But Cranberries are so full of Pectin, a similar compound entirely normal to see in fruits, and one which is exclusive to fruits, that they can form a thick gel. Cranberries do it better than any other fruit.

  37. Here in the UK we've been wondering why Donald Trump hasn't been committed to the lunatic asylum yet.
    He's as mad as a bucket full of frogs.

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