Stephen Colbert’s LIVE Monologue Part 1: A Whole Lot Of Delaney Fans


WELCOME TO “THE LATE SHOW.” I’M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT. WE ARE LIVE AFTER NIGHT ONE OF
THE DEMOCRATIC DEBATES, THIS IS THE SECOND ROUND OF DEBATES, SOE
DEBATE NIGHT: 2 MANY CANDIDATES CNN’S DEBATE WAS BROADCAST FROM
DETROIT’S FOX THEATER. YOU KNOW THEIR SLOGAN: WHEN YOU
THINK CNN, THINK FOX. (LAUGHTER) O
THE DEBATES WERE MODERATED BY JAKE TAPPER, DANA BASH, AND DON
LEMON, OR AS THEY’RE KNOWN BY THEIR CELEBRITY THRUPLE NAME, W
“LEMASH-ERBAPPER.”( LAUGHTER )
THAT WOULD BE NICE. THEY WOULD MAKE A LOVELY
THRUPLE. “LEMASH-ERBAPPER.” IT’S HARD TO SUM UP WHAT YOU
WANT TONIGHT, BUT MOST OF TONIGHT WAS A BUNCH
OF GUYS WITH NO CHANCE TO WIN THE DEMOCRATIC NOMINATION
YELLING REPUBLICAN TALKING POINTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO CAN. IT WAS LIKE WATCHING THE SEVEN
DWARVES ALL OFFERING SNOW WHITE A POISON APPLE. THE DEBATE BEGAN WITH OUR
NATIONAL ANTHEM, AND EVERYONE PASSED THE TEST BY HOLDING
THEIR HANDS ON THEIR HEARTS, EXCEPT TIM RYAN UNLESS HE KEEPS
HIS HEART IN HIS SCROTUM.( LAUGHTER )
I’M NOT SURE.( CHEERS )
I THINK HE KEEPS HIS BRAIN THERE. NOT SURE WHERE HE KEEPS THE
BRAIN, EITHER. OPENING STATEMENTS STARTED WITH
LONGSHOTS LIKE SELF-HELP GURU MARIANNE WILLIAMSON.>>AN AMORAL ECONOMIC SYSTEM HAS
TURNED SHORT-TERM PROFITS FOR E HUGE MULTINATIONAL CORPORATIONS
INTO A FALSE GOD. S>>Stephen: (AS WILLIAMSON)
“AS OPPOSED TO THE REAL GOD, SHIVLANI, GODDESS OF LIGHT,
AMETHYSTS AND ESSENTIAL OILS.”( LAUGHTER )
HAIL SHIVLANI. FORMER COLORADO GOVERNOR
HICKENLOOPER LAID OUT THE STAKES OF THIS ELECTIONS IN NO
UNCERTAIN TERMS.>>I WAS OUT OF WORK FOR TWO
WHOLE YEARS.>>Stephen: (AS HICKENLOOPER)
“PLEASE, I NEED THIS JOB. I AM IN DEEP– I AM IN DEEP WITH
THE WRONG PEOPLE. IF I DON’T GET $200 BY NOVEMBER,
SPIDER THE JUICEMAN IS COMING FOR MY THUMBS.” TOOK MY THUMBS! THEN BERNIE GOT HIS CHANCE, AND
HE TALKED ABOUT CORPORATE POWER:>>COMPANIES LIKE AMAZON THAT
MADE BILLIONS IN PROFITS DID NOT PAY ONE NICKEL IN FEDERAL INCOME
TAX.>>Stephen: (AS BERNIE)
“AND ONE NICKEL IS A LOT. T YOU CAN TAKE A STREET CAR TO THE
ZIEGFIELD AND SEE A TALKIE,N SEE A TALKIE. AND STILL HAVE ENOUGH LEFT FOR
AN EGG CREAM AT WOOLWORTH’S.”( LAUGHTER )
AFTER MANY OF THE CANDIDATES HAD ATTACKED HER AND BERNIE SANDERS,
ELIZABETH WARREN MADE A CALL FOR PARTY UNITY BY SAYING THIS
ABOUT DONALD TRUMP:>>ANYONE ON THIS STAGE TONIGHT
OR TOMORROW NIGHT WOULD MAKE A FAR BETTER PRESIDENT.>>Stephen: UUUM. EVEN THE GUY WHO THINKS HIS
HEART IS IN HIS JUNK? BECAUSE I’M NOT SURE THAT’S A
GOOD CALL. WHEN IT COMES TO HEALTHCARE,
BERNIE’S A FAN OF OUR NEIGHBORS TO THE NORTH.>>FIVE MINUTES AWAY FROM HERE,
JOHN, IS A COUNTRY. IT’S CALLED CANADA. THEY GUARANTEE HEALTH CARE TO
EVERY MAN, WOMAN, AND CHILD AS A HUMAN RIGHT.>>Stephen: (AS BERNIE) “IT’S A MAGICAL LAND WHERE
HEALTH CARE IS FREE, HUGS ARE G MANDATORY, AND THE CURRENCY HAS
BEEN REPLACED WITH MAPLE SYRUP THAT GETS YOU HIGH.”( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
“YOU CAN RIDE A MOOSE TO A BEAVER FACTORY.” I DON’T KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS. STEVE BULLOCK ADDRESSED THE
HEALTH CARE ISSUE WITH A PERSONAL STORY.>>NEVER FORGET WHEN MY
12-YEAR-OLD SON HAD A HEART ATTACK WITHIN 24 HOURS OF HIS
LIFE. HAD TO BE LIFEFLIGHTED TO SALT
LAKE CITY, BUT BECAUSE WE HAD GOOD INSURANCE, HE’S HERE WITH
ME TONIGHT.>>Stephen: I AM GLAD GOVERNOR
BULLOCK’S SON IS OKAY. BUT APPARENTLY STEVE BULLOCK’SY,
HEALTHCARE PLAN IS TO ADOPT EVERYONE IN AMERICA? THEN, IF SOMETHING HAPPENS,
WE’RE ALL GOOD.( LAUGHTER )
BERNIE POINTED OUT HOW ENTRENCHED THE CURRENT HEALTH
CARE SYSTEM IS.N >>AND BY THE WAY, BY THE WAY,
THE HEALTH CARE INDUSTRY WILL BE ADVERTISING TONIGHT ON THIS
PROGRAM.>>Stephen: WOW, FOR SOME
REASON BERNIE IS REALLY MAD AT THE ADVERTISERS.M. “I BOUGHT A CATHETER AND LETS
JUST SAY IT WAS NOT SELF- LUBRICATING.” IT WAS LIKE INSERTING A PIXIE
STICK. YES! IT’S SAD BUT IT’S TRUE! AND WHEN IT CAME TO MEDICARE FOR
ALL, BERNIE WAS READY TO THROW DOWN.>>THEY WILL BE BETTER
BECAUSE MEDICARE FOR ALL IS COMPREHENSIVE.OR
IT COVERS ALL HEALTH CARE NEEDS FOR SENIOR CITIZENS. IT WILL FINALLY INCLUDE DENTAL
CARE, HEARING AIDS, AND EYEGLASSES. SECOND OF ALL–
>>YOU DON’T KNOW THAT.>>I DO KNOW THAT. I WROTE THE DAMN BILL
>>Jon: OH, WOE!>>Stephen: BOOM!>>Jon: OH!>>Stephen: (AS BERNIE)
“I WROTE THE DAMN THING, AND IT’S A GOOD THING YOU GET DENTAL
CARE, TIM, BECAUSE I JUST SLAPPED THE TEETH OUT OF YOUR
DIRTY MOUTH.” “IT’S RAINING CHICKLETS IN
CHEER.” BUT JOHN DELANEY DIDN’T BUY
BERNIE’S HEALTHCARE NUMBERS.>>HIS MATH IS WRONG. THAT’S ALL I’M SAYING, THAT HIS
MATH IS WRONG.>>Stephen: I’M NOT SURE THE GUY
POLLING AT 1% SHOULD BE TALKING ABOUT MATH RIGHT NOW. OH, REALLY. WHOLE LOT OF DELANEY FANS HERE
TONIGHT.

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Comments

  1. Lets not forget that Tim Ryan signed Bernie's healthcare bill in the house, knowing that, Ryan looks even dumber.

    https://www.congress.gov/bill/116th-congress/house-bill/1384/cosponsors

  2. Many of us were taught to place our hand over the heart to recite the Pledge of Allegiance and to stand with respect for the National Anthem. The hand over the heart during the Anthem was a Republican cynically created talking point used to disparage Hillary Clinton as unpatriotic. Watch some old footage of baseball games. It wasn't a thing. Stop giving it credibilty.

  3. Oh damn burnie…you did some mortal combat on that one..😂😂

    Finish him..😂😂

    Burnie wins!!!😃😃

  4. Colbert needs to stop making fun of Bernie for his age until he grows the balls to make fun of Warren for being a woman, or make fun of Kamala Harris for being black. (And I'm a Warren supporter at this point.)

  5. Steve you're the perfect example of a shill, could you possibly compromise your integrity on behalf of the mentality disturbed people who hate Donald Trump and his supporters. I find it hard to believe that you actually agree with the shit you vomit every night. If you do then you're the best functionality retarded person I've ever seen.

  6. I'm a Bernie and Yang guy, if either won I'd be very glad. Regardless, if Trump is the RNC candidate in the end, I'm voting blue.

  7. Colbert left about the part that so many of them want to buy black voters by giving them billions of dollars. 73% of blacks say its a gr8 plan.

  8. As a canadian, I found pretty much this entire monologue nothing but, as your current orange man would say, SAD.
    The fact that medicare for all is controversial would be hilarious if the lack of it wasn't killing over 40,000 people a year in your stupid ass country.

  9. The Chinese. Chick that was part of the singing group was loving herself too much and not part of the group. She was. She was ridiculous e

  10. Healthcare is NOT FREE in canada, NEVER has been. We pay monthly. It is low nominal cost per person, but everyone above poverty line pays and gets quality universal coverage except ete glasses and dental. those you pay on your own unless you opt into a supplementary plan it is NOT free in canada and by gum we aint broke and our wealthy dont crap on our poor. USA is 100yrs behind in its decayed thinking.

  11. "….they have maple syrup that gets you high!" Why do you think those bastards stole our syrup a couple of years ago!
    "The catheter was NOT self-lubricant" spit out my whiskey on that joke.
    I know Bernie is old, but he's the leader America needs. America need a reminder that not all socialism is bad. You need a health balance of public and private for every institution.
    Put Elizabeth Warren or Tulsi Gibbord as VP and you got yourself the White House for the next 12-16 years. I think Mayor Pete needs to run for Indiana governor for 2 terms, followed by a Senate seat for at least one full term before giving the Presidency another shot. He came in as an unknown, and look how far he's come. America needs him for the long term.
    If the Dems weren't so focused on getting a woman elected, they would have won 2016 in a landslide, instead of just by 3 million. GG electoral college.

  12. 3:50 – Fun fact, if this had happened in Australia, even in the middle of nowhere (and Australia has remote places that makes the entire continental US look suburban) his son would've gotten exactly the same treatment, except that he wouldn't have needed insurance to access it. I always find it funny when people talk up their private cover in the US like it's a positive thing. Yes, you are really lucky that you had adequate cover, but the thing is that the reason that's lucky is because the system in the US is so broken that the only way to navigate it is to pay a fortune to a big company to navigate it for you. Public healthcare doesn't mean losing these services, all it means is paying less for them. Literally the only perk private cover offers over Australia's public system is that elective stuff that can wait will usually happen faster and some very optional stuff (like, chiropracty level optional, not medical care level optional) is covered. Oh, and because of the increased efficiency and the presence of a free option the total cost for someone on top level private cover, including all the tax required to pay for the public system, is still lower than the US despite being better.

  13. Free health care free free free free it's free Bernie .I don't think he will win .Free is out like the peace sign

  14. Jon Batiste is beyond annoying. Can they turn off his mic when he isn't singing? Love Colbert, loath Batistes cackles and histrionic reactions.

  15. UGH!!! Who wrote this monologue? I can't finish watching – it is soooo bad, it is usually more clever and less hackneyed.

  16. The children got to learn to respect each other. No teasing and internet harassment. Just watch the adults and how nice they threat each other!

  17. It's worth pointing out that in countries with universal healthcare, (the rest of the western world) people do not go bankrupt like in the USA. It was a great error to let the private insurance companies in between you and your healthcare professionals. You pay more for less. I would also point out that private hospitals and insurance companies have survived but the heavy lifting, research and education is financed by taxation and systems vary in most countries. You are up against a very powerful lobby who will try every trick in the book to keep a very lucrative business, I hope you don't fall for it.

  18. Thank you Steven for finally covering progressives with, yes humor, but taking them seriously and as front runners.

  19. I'm not sure what has happened to Colbert. The 'humor" is bordering insulting and nasty. This is the 2nd video of him I just watched. I don't like it. I'd rather watch Samantha Bee or Seth Meyers.

  20. How do healthcare prices and use in the U.S. compare to other countries? By Rabah Kamal and Cynthia Cox   Kaiser Family Foundation     Retrieved from https://www.healthsystemtracker.org/chart-collection/how-do-healthcare-prices-and-use-in-the-u-s-compare-to-other-countries/#item-start

  21. Here’s the math on Medicare for All.  It will save Americans money. Economic Analyses of Medicare for All by Robert Pollin et al.   https://www.peri.umass.edu/publication/item/1127-economic-analysis-of-medicare-for-all

  22. Australia, France, Britain, Canada and other countries have universal (free, publicly funded) health care….even developing nations like Indonesia are building universal healthcare systems….why is America so resistant to it?

  23. Why make fun of Bernie Sanders because of his age? We wouldn’t condone of a female candidate been made fun of because of her gender, how is this any different? I’m just saying, we should be better than that.

  24. It’s fun to read the sheep commentary, So blind, Its All A Lie
    Please people Wake Up ,
    They Can Stop the 112.000 Indictments , checkout World Trade Center building 7

  25. Is All coming apart, check out , White rabbit news Also Joe M , There lying to US All , They think there better than Us they think your dumb , they’ll shit when you are not ,
    And a 180 happens , And there Dumb , Too Funny ,

  26. Now we have something to remind Delaney he's not one to talk due to being <1% in the pools. That's what he gets fighting against someone trying to do the right thing.

  27. Don't attack Bernie on the basis of his age please Stephen. He is sharper and more well-informed than almost anyone else in politics and his conviction is unwavering and has been for many decades. Stephen, you are funny enough without going all ageist.

  28. Contrast with Trump who can hardly write a coherent sentence, Bernie Sanders is writing legislative bills. But to be fair almost anyone in America is a positive contrast compared with Trump

  29. I don’t know why (now Colbert) insists upon caricaturizing Bernie?? Trevor Noah did it and I thought it’s a fucking disservice to the American people. Why?

    Because voters won’t take him seriously. As much as I love Noah, Colbert and the rest, I think that this time they’re being fucking morons by ridiculing Bernie. Why don’t you guys ridicule the rest of the democratic candidates who are NOT really an option, like O’Rourke, etc? Colbert you’re really disappointing.

  30. Fucking Colbert doesn't want medicare for all because it'd affect his privileges. Now we're seeing all these talking heads true colors, as we elect/vote for a presidential candidate.

  31. Stephen's impersonation of Senator Bernie Sander is really good.  You need to work on Senator Warren's imitation though.

  32. Any person without Narcissistic Personality Disorder would naje a half decent leader. I know because my own country's leadership team are so full of narcissists and flying monkeys.

  33. What makes Tim Ryan getting backhanding in the face even better is that a few days later he DROPPED OUT OF THE RACE!

  34. Actually, even though Colbert mocked it with his comment about essential oil, the opening remark of the New Age candidate was incisive: "An amoral economic system has turned short-term profits for huge multi-national corporations into a false god".

    Makes me wonder if he was instructed by his corporate employers to mock anyone who criticizes corporate capitalism. I like and respect Colbert, but sometimes he makes fun of the wrong things, and actually helps maintain the status quo.

    He mocked Bernie Sanders, too, criticizing corporate capitalism. The fact that Amazon did not pay any income tax should offend and anger all of us who pay taxes. And we should help people who are trying to end this imbalance, not mock them with ageist jokes.

  35. "You can ride a moose to a beaver factory,…" …LMFAO! Damn, do I ever love Bernie. And, I like Colbert's imitation of him, too! If anything, we need Bernie in the White House so we get 8 years of Colbert imitating Bernie!!!

  36. I am so tired of age jokes at Bernie's expense. A lot of the candidates are old but he only goes after one person. There's only so many times you can listen to the same joke over and over before you want them to stop talking and I reached that point a long time ago.

  37. Well coming from the land of mandatory hugs and spiked maple syrup (that I’ll be looking for on my next grocery outing😂), I’d say you guys should listen to Bernie. Not everyone down there is as lucky as the guy who had the private insurance that got his son in a chopper to save his life. The ones I know who had heart conditions (2 families) have lost entire life savings and homes and then had to move here to save their lives and start over from scratch. And my ex husband will never leave here to return to the US to live because he will die if he does.

  38. I recognize Jim Anchorton and Jill Newslady there, but who's the white guy?

    –Dave, he's definitely not the sports guy

    ps: "even someone whose heart is in his scrotum?" well duh, look how well off we were under Clinton, and how triggered the Moral Majority types were. at least Tim's a hot guy

  39. People are gonna get charged with telecommunications harassment and unauthorized access – plus treason and obstruction of justice ! That's a big time charge ! Wait till my search history and cell records are public ! Omg ! That's why I say everyday it's making things much much worse ! There's people right now that won't ever get out of jail and others that won't be able to get another job or lose their careers ! I just hope it's worth it ? Cause you can't ever win or do anything ! I'm innocent so your two options are killing me or dragging me out of here like a three year old ! Otherwise I'll see u in 14 months next election and buckle up !

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