Jimmy Kimmel on Democratic Debate #2


THIS IS, YOU’RE HERE ON A BIG NIGHT IN AMERICAN POLITICS. THE NIGHT OF A HUNDRED PODIUMS, THE SECOND OF TWO DEBATES THIS WEEK ON CNN. THE LINEUP TONIGHT WAS BIDEN, HARRIS, BOOKER, CASTRO, YANG, GABBARD, MAYNARD AND HARTLEY. AND THE LAST TWO NAMES I MADE UP, BUT NO, THERE ARE TOO MANY PEOPLE. THE CANDIDATES, I HAVE TO SAY, THEY REALLY CAME OUT SWINGING TONIGHT. NO PUNCHES WERE PULLED.>>HERE WE GO!>>OH! GEHRIG GOES IN THERE PUNCHING.>>Jimmy: I THINK WE HAVE THE WRONG CLIP. THAT WAS FROM THE REDS AND PIRATES LAST NIGHT. LET’S LOOK AT IT AGAIN IN SLOW MOTION. FROM THE OTHER ANGLE, IT LOOKED LIKE HE CONNECTED, BUT NOT EXACTLY THE UFC FROM THIS ONE. WATCH THE POLICE OFFICER HERE, BECAUSE HE’S JUST LIKE UH, NOT, NOTHING TO SEE HERE. GO BACK TO YOUR SEATS. GET ME A PRETZEL. BACK TO CNN. CNN HAD TEN CANDIDATES LAST NIGHT AND ANOTHER TEN TO TALK TO TONIGHT. THAT IS NOT A GROUP OF H&R BLOCK EMPLOYEES HERE TO HELP YOU WITH YOUR W9. THOSE ARE LIBERAL HOPEFULS THAT GOT INTENSE AT TIMES, BUT THERE WERE MOMENTS OF LEVITY. BILL DE BLASIO, THE MAYOR OF NEW YORK WAS FUNNY. HE SAID WHEN I WAS PRESIDENT, AND THAT WAS GOOD. CORY BOOKER FROM NEW JERSEY SAID WE NEED REAL MARIJUANA JUSTICE, WHICH I THINK IS A NEW SETH ROGEN MOVIE COMING OUT THIS SUMMER. THE BUSINESSMAN, ANDREW YANG SAID WE’RE TOO LATE TO SOLVE GLOBAL WARMING, SO WE NEED TO GET TO HIGHER GROUND. HE’S BASICALLY GOT THE SAME CLIMATE CHANGE POLICY AS THE ROCK. AND ONCE AGAIN, KAMALA HARRIS AND JOE BIDEN FOUGHT LIKE A DIVORCING COUPLE ON A PAD PADDLEBOAT. IT WAS JOE VERSUS THE VOLCANO. HE SAID HE WASN’T GOING TO BE AS POLITE THIS TIME AROUND.>>YOU HEARD MAYOR DE BLASIO, WHAT’S YOUR RESPONSE?>>MY RESPONSE IS. [ LONG BURP ]>>THE DEBATE WILL BE RIGHT BACK, RIGHT AFTER THIS SHORT BREAK.>>Jimmy: HE DIDN’T EVEN SAY EXCUSE ME. THAT’S, JOE BIDEN, YOU KNOW, HE’S 76 YEARS OLD. HE TRIED TO WENT OVER YOUNGER VOTERS BY USING SOME OF THE HIP SLANG FROM TODAY.>>THIS IDEA IS A BUNCH OF MALARKEY.>>Jimmy: GOOD LUCK FREEING A$AP ROCKY WITH LANGUAGE LIKE THAT. PRESIDENT TRUMP HAS BEEN WATCHING AND TWEETING. THE PRESIDENT WEIGHED IN WITH HIS REVIEW OF NIGHT ONE, LASHING OUT AT CNN MODERATOR DON LEMON. HE WROTE, DON LEMON, THE DUMBEST MAN ON TELEVISION. UH, HELLO. INSINUATED LAST NIGHT WHILE ASKING A DEBATE QUESTION THAT I WAS A RACIST, WHEN IN FACT, I AM THE LEASTEST, THE LEAST RACIST PERSON NOTICE WORLD. HE PUTS THAT IN QUOTES, LIKE IT’S FROM A STUDY OR SOMETHING. YOU KNOW WHO SAID THAT ABOUT HIM? HIM! HE’S QUOTING HIMSELF. BACK TO DON LEMON, PERHAPS SOMEONE SHOULD EXPLAIN TO DON THAT HE’S SUPPOSED TO BE UNBIASED AND FAIR. BUT HE’S TOO DUMB, STUPID TO UNDERSTAND THAT. IS IT POSSIBLE HE THINKS THE PEOPLE WHO FOLLOW HIM ARE TOO DUMB TO UNDERSTAND THE WORD DUMB? ANYWAY, WE HAVE DUELING DONS. IT’S NOT EVERY DAY YOU SEE AN ORANGE ATTACK A LEMON, SO THAT WAS FUN. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] PEOPLE TALK ABOUT DOUBLING DOWN. ONLY DONALD TRUMP WOULD CLAIM HE’S THE LEAST RACIST PERSON IN THE WORLD WHILE CALLING A BLACK MAN STUPID. WATCHING THIS DEBATE WITH ALL THESE DEMOCRATS, TALKING ABOUT ALL THESE, IT WAS LIKE BEING IN A HOUSE WITH A BUNCH OF FIREFIGHTERS, AND THERE’S A RAGING WILDFIRE OUTSIDE. ALL THE FIREFIGHTERS ARE ON THE COUCH ARGUING ABOUT HOW TO FIGHT IT. THERE WAS A LOT GOING ON. GOVERNOR STEVE BULLOCK FROM MONTANA, I GUESS THEY DIDN’T HAVE ENOUGH ROOM FOR HIM ON THE STAGE, SO THEY HAD TO IMPROVISE.>>GOVERNOR STEVE BULLOCK, PLEASE BEGIN.>>THANKS, I COME FROM A STATE WHERE A LOT OF PEOPLE VOTE FOR DONALD TRUMP. LET’S NOT KID OURSELVES.>>Jimmy: WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT? TURN OUT THE LIGHTS WHEN YOU’RE DONE IN THERE, STEVE. BERNIE SANDERS HAD A BIG NIGHT LAST NIGHT AND ONE OF THE HIGHLIGHT MOMENTS. TIM RYAN WAS ARGUING WITH HIM, I DON’T KNOW WHO TIM RYAN IS EITHER, BUT WEIGAS ARGUING ABOU THE DETAILS OF A BILL AND BERNIE YELLED “I WROTE THE DAMN BILL”. BUT THE BILL HE WAS TALKING ABOUT WAS THE BILL OF RIGHTS. THEY WERE HOLE THED UP IN A ROO WITH A QUILL PEN AND OIL LAMP. MARIANNE WILLIAMSON SELF-HELPED. IT WAS LIKE WATCHING “GAME OF THRONES” WITHOUT THE WITCH. BUT MARYANN WILLIAMSON WAS THE TOP-SEARCHED ON GOOGLE. THE TOP WERE MARIANNE WILLIAMSON, BERNIE SANDERS AND PORN. NOT IN THAT ORDER. SHE REMINDS ME OF WHAT HAPPENS TO WHEN YOU STAY AFTER YOGA CLASSES AND ASK YOUR TEACHER IF SHE HAS ANY TIPS AND YOU WALK OUT WITH TOO STONES AND A EUCALYPTUS OIL. THERE ARE A LOT OF TWEETS, PEOPLE EVEN I KNOW SAYING HE SOUNDS LIKE ME. AND WHEN I SAW THAT, MY FIRST RESPONSE IS, WHO IS JOHN DELANEY. I FIGURED THAT OUT. HE DOES KIND OF SOUND LIKE ME. BUT MY WIFE DOESN’T AND MY KIDS DON’T, AND I’LL LET YOU DECIDE. CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR EARS AND DECIDE WHETHER OR NOT THIS GUY SOUNDS LIKE ME.>>SO LISTEN, THIS IS WHAT I DON’T UNDERSTAND. PRESIDENT TRUMP WANTS TO BUILD PHYSICAL WALLS AND BEATS UP ON IMMIGRANTS.>>Jimmy: HE LOOKS LIKE ME, BUT HE DOESN’T SOUND LIKE, WHAT DO YOU THINK?>>I DON’T THINK SO.>>Jimmy: YOU DON’T THINK HE SOUNDS LIKE ME?>>NO, NO.>>Jimmy: CAN YOU IMAGINE IF HE BECOMES PRESIDENT? I COULD PRANK CALL EVERY MAJOR LEADER IN THE WORLD. AND I WOULD USE THAT POWER. THAT IS MY PROMISE TO YOU, MY FELLOW AMERICANS. [ APPLAUSE ] WHILE WE’RE ON THE SUBJECT OF PRANK CALLS, SEBASTIAN GORKA, THIS IS ONE OF THE MONSTERS WHO LIVES UNDER PRESIDENT TRUMP’S BED. HE APPARENTLY HAS A RADIO SHOW, AND IF YOU CALL THAT SHOW, IT’S NOT SO HARD TO GET THROUGH.>>MR. GORKA, I USED TO LIVE IN ROSEMONT, WEST BALTIMORE. I FIND IT STRANGE NOBODY’S ASKING A QUESTION ABOUT THEIR.>>WHAT’S THE QUESTION.>>DO YOU HAVE TO BUY SPECIAL SHIRTS TO FIT YOUR HEAD THROUGH YOUR NECK HOLE?>>IN BALTIMORE, I’M NOT SURE, BUT THAT’S A VERY STRANGE QUESTION. LET’S GO TO JOSH IN WYOMING. LINE TWO.>>HI, HOW ARE YOU?>>VERY WELL, WELCOME TO AMERICA FIRST.>>GOOD, THANK YOU, I’M A LITTLE NERVOUS.>>DON’T BE, DON’T BE. NOBODY’S LISTENING, ONLY ABOUT 2 MILLION PEOPLE, SO YOU CAN RELAX.>>POERKSOH, WOW, OKAY, THEN I JUST SAY THAT YOU ARE A BALLOON HEADED [ BLEEP ].>>Jimmy: WELL, THANKS, JOSH. WELL DONE, JOSH OR WHATEVER YOUR NAME IS. SO BACK TO THIS DEBATE. ONE OF THE THINGS THE CANDIDATES FEEL LIKE THEY HAVE TO DO IS SELL US ON THEIR HUMBLE BEGINNINGS. YOU SEE THIS ON EVERY ELECTION. THEY TRY TO ONE UP EACH OTHER ON THEIR BACK STORIES.>>I STAND BEFORE YOU TODAY AS A GRAND DAUGHTER OF AN IRON ORE HIGH NOR.>>AS A DAUGHTER OF A NEWSPAPER MAN.>>I GREW UP WITH A SINGLE MOM IN A POOR NEIGHBORHOOD.>>MY PARENTS MET WHEN THEY WERE ACTIVE IN THE CIVIL RIGHTS MOVEMENT.>>MY SISTER IS DATING MY FATHER. AND, YEAH. YEAH.>>Jimmy: SHE COULD PROBABLY PULL A FEW VOTES FROM TRUMP. THIS IS A SUBJECT I’D LIKE TO SEE THESE CANDIDATES WEIGH IN ON. HOLIDAY INN ANNOUNCED YESTERDAY THAT THEY’RE DOING A WAY WITH MINI SHAMPOOS. THIS UPSETS ME. THOSE SHAMPOOS ARE REALLY ONE OF THE SIMPLE PLEASURES OF LIFE. YOU GET ONE, YOU DECIDE HOW MUCH TO USE. THERE’S NOT A LOT OF SHAMPOO, BUT IT’S FREE. YOU CAN EITHER USE A LITTLE BIT OF IT, JUST IN CASE THE MAID DOESN’T USE A NEW ONE, OR YOU CAN GAMBLE AND POUR IT ALL ON YOUR HEAD. THEY’RE GETTING RID OF IT AND DOING IT FOR THE ENVIRONMENT, WHICH IS ALSO WHAT THEY SAY WHEN THEY DON’T WANT TO WASH YOUR TOWELS. IT’S FOR THE ENVIRONMENT. THIS SEEMS LIKE AN UNUSUALLY FORWARD-THINKING MOVEMENT FOR A COMPANY THAT STILL BRAGS ABOUT THE FACT THAT THEY HAVE A FAX MACHINE IN THE BUSINESS CENTER. DONALD TRUMP’S CAMPAIGN HAS SOLD ALMOST HALF A MILLION DOLLARS WORTH OF PLASTIC STRAWS. THIS IS THE REAL THING YOU CAN BUY. LIBERAL PAPER STRAWS DON’T WORK. STAND WITH PRESIDENT TRUMP AND BUY YOUR PACK OF RECYCLABLE STRAWS TODAY. AND PLASTIC STRAWS ARE ONLY THE BEGINNING. THE TRUMP STORE IS GOING ALL-IN WITH THIS.>>GLOBAL WARMING, CLIMATE CHANGE. EXTREME WEATHER, THE REASON THIS IS NEVER SORT OF WORKING.>>WANT TO SUPPORT OUR PRESIDENT AND DEVASTATE THE ENVIRONMENT? SHOP TILL YOU DROP AT THE TRUMP STORE [ BLEEP ] THE OCEAN SALE-A-BRATION. WE HAVE A GARBAGE PATCH OF PRODUCTS. PLASTIC STRAWS, COFFEE STIRRER, BATTERIES, TOXIC SLUDGE AND PAINT. THE ONLY TURTLE WE CARE ABOUT IS THIS ONE. REMEMBER, IF THE NAME SAYS TRUMP, IT’S GOOD TO DUMP. THE TRUMP STORE, [ BLEEP ] THE OCEAN SALE-A-BRATION. LET’S MAKE THIS SHARK WEEK THE LAST SHARK WEEK. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]>>Jimmy: THIS IS AN INTERESTING VIDEO, YOU KNOW, BECAUSE A LOT OF PEOPLE WATCHING THE DEBATES TONIGHT WANT TO HEAR ABOUT TAXES. THEY WANT TO KNOW HOW MUCH OF THEIR PAYCHECKS THEY’RE GOING TO GET TO KEEP. THIS IS A KID NAMED DONNIE WHO GOT AN EARLY LESSON NOT FROM THE DEBATE BUT MONOPOLY.>>WHERE’S ALL YOUR MONEY GONE, DONNIE?>>TAXES. NINE, TEN, 11.>>BUD, IT’S OKAY. IT’S PART OF THE GAME.>>NO IT’S NOT. IT’S NOT FUN.>>IT’S NOT FUN TO WHAT?>>IT’S THE WORST PART OF THE GAME.>>IS WHAT?>>TAXES!>>Jimmy: HE’S RIGHT. HE’S RIGHT. THE KID NAMED DONNIE.

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