Democratic Candidates Try Not to Swear During Third Primary Debate


-You guys, we’ve got
a great show. Jennifer Garner is here tonight!
[ Cheers and applause ] -Jim Jefferies is here!
[ Cheers and applause ] And we’ve got music from
Megan Thee Stallion. Oh, my goodness.
[ Cheers and applause ] She is huge right now with her
hit “Hot Girl Summer.” Although, after seeing
Joe Biden and Bernie Sanders at tonight’s debate, it feels more
like “Old Man Fall.” Tonight was the
third Democratic debate, and I read that the candidates
were all warned not to swear during the debate. Then it got weird when
Bernie was like, “And what about nudity?” Yeah, tonight was
the third Democratic debate, and I heard that the candidates
were warned not to swear. The moderator said that
any dirty language would make them appear
too presidential. That’s right — tonight
was the third Democratic debate, and there was a lot of
pressure on the candidates. Check out how Beto O’Rourke
tried to relax. Yeah. And someone asked Beto
what his poll numbers were, and he’s like,
“One, two, three. Three.” He’s actually not that bad
on the drums. I mean, he’s definitely better
than Pete Buttigieg on guitar. We saw this. -You see —
They’re like, “Oh, wow.” Get this. Trump’s campaign hired a plane
to fly over the debate that said, “Socialism will kill
Houston’s economy.” It was a great plan
until they realized the debate was
happening at nighttime. They’re like, “Just yell.
“Social– Oh, forget it. They can’t hear us.”
Here’s a pretty crazy story. It just came out that the
racehorse Justify, who won last year’s
Triple Crown, failed a drug test
before the Kentucky Derby. Officials knew something was
up before the race when Justify told his jockey,
“Pee in this cup for me.” Yeah, you could tell he was
on something when his trainer needed
a giant saddle to cover up the horse’s bacne. I mean, did people really
not know this horse was on something? Look at the horse.
I mean, something… -Come on. Come on.
-Come on. You don’t notice? -Come on, man.
-Come on. -Some more sports news. There are rumors that
Jennifer Lopez — [ Laughs ] I’m sorry. Can we go back?
I just want to see that horse. Can I see that horse thing?
[ Laughter ] That’s pretty funny. Some more sports news. There are rumors that
Jennifer Lopez might perform at this year’s Super Bowl
halftime show. The NFL is really hoping
she says yes, ’cause their next option is Pete Buttigieg
and Beto O’Rourke. -Well, speaking of J. Lo, her
new movie, “Hustlers,” opens this weekend,
and it is about a group of strippers
who start embezzling money from the guys
who visit their strip club. -Wow. That’s a pretty
creative idea for a movie. -Actually, it was based on
a true story. -What?
-You okay, man? -Yeah, fine. Water just went down
the wrong pipe. [ Coughs ]
-Gotcha. -Say, you wouldn’t happen to know what specific strip club this true story
happened at, do you? -I think it’s called Scores. Do you need to take a break?
-No, I’m fine, really. But tell me — how did these so-called hustlers
hustle people, exactly? -Well, guys would
go to the club. -Mm-hmm. -And then the women
would wine them. -Mm-hmm. -They’d dine them. Then they’d rack up a bunch
of charges on their credit card. Higgins, Higgins, are you okay?
-Yes! Well, tell me this —
what happened to the guys? -I don’t know.
They go to jail or something. -Prison. Wow. So he wouldn’t be able to do,
like, household chores — mow the lawn, stuff like that? -I guess not.
-Hmm. And they wouldn’t have to pay
for their kid’s college? -There’s probably a
government program for that. They use taxpayer money.
-Hmm. Three squares a day? -Three squares. -Nice. -Basically, all you do all day
is read and exercise. -Exercise?! That’s awful! I’m not going to prison,
old man! You hear me?
I’m not going to prison! You can’t get me there!
-Get him out of here! Get that knife out of his ha–
No, be careful. Get out of here! Be careful! Be careful, man.
Be careful, man. No jiu-jitsu, man!
-Alright. I got my eye on you, old man! -Emmy Award winner
Steve Higgins, everybody. ♪♪
[ Cheers and applause ] Golden Globe nominee
Steve Higgins right there, everybody. Hey, I want to
say congratulations to DJ Khaled, who’s having a baby. [ Cheers and applause ] When the baby was born,
DJ Khaled was like, “Another one.” Hey, some TV news. There’s gonna be a new show
called “Murder House Flip,” where they flip a house
that’s been involved in a real-life crime. -Ooh! -Yeah, this house show is
a little different. Instead of seeing these twins,
you see these. “Flip with us.” Hey, I know you guys
know about this. A company has started making
a new blue rosé. Check this thing out.
Yeah, it’s pretty cool. They only used the finest grapes from France’s Listerine region. -Oh. -And, finally, Neiman Marcus
is selling a couch that looks like a hot dog
for $7,000. That’s crazy. I mean, who would spend
that kind of money on that? Oh, that makes a sense.
We have a great show.

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