A Polite Reminder From The Late Show About Polls


HEY, I DON’T MEAN TO SOUND
DRAMATIC, BUT WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE, AND I THINK IT’S THE
ELECTION THAT’S GOING TO KILL US. SEE, TENSIONS HAVE NEVER BEEN
HIGHER, BECAUSE WITH LESS THAN EIGHT DAYS UNTIL EARLY VOTING
STARTS, DONALD TRUMP AND HILLARY CLINTON ARE TIED IN THE POLLS. WHICH MEANS NO MATTER WHO YOU
SUPPORT, YOUR PRETTY UPSET. I MEAN, THAT CANDIDATE MIGHT
WIN?! THE UNTRUSTWORTHY ONE, WITH THE
QUESTIONABLE FOUNDATION?! THE ONE WITH THE FAMOUS DAUGHTER
AND THE MARRIAGE YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND?! AND WHAT ABOUT THE HEALTH
STUFF?! THAT PERSON CERTAINLY DOESN’T
LOOK HEALTHY. PLUS, THEY DON’T UNDERSTAND THE
REST OF THE COUNTRY, THEY’RE FROM NEW YORK. LOOK, THAT PERSON IS FROM NEW
YORK, WHOEVER YOU SUPPORT, THAT OTHER ONE. LOOK, DEMOCRACY’S HAD A GREAT
RUN, AND SO– OH, EXCUSE ME. THAT GENTLE TAP ON MY SHOULDER
MEANS IT’S TIME FOR… A “LATE SHOW” POLITE REMINDER. TONIGHT’S POLITE REMINDER:
THERE’S NO NEED TO REACH FOR THE PISTOL, OR THE PLASTIC BAG AND
THE DUCT TAPE. JUST STEP OUT OF THE BATH AND
PUT THAT TOASTER DOWN. YOU SEE, HERE’S THE POLITE
REMINDER– A TIE BETWEEN THE CANDIDATES AROUND THIS TIME IN
THE CAMPAIGN HAS HAPPENED IN EVERY ELECTION OF THIS CENTURY. ROMNEY AND OBAMA WERE TIED
AROUND NOW. OBAMA AND JOHN McCAIN WERE TIED
ON SEPTEMBER 17– TWO DAYS FROM NOW. GEORGE W. BUSH AND AL GORE ARE
STILL
TIED. ONE OF THEM WON THE VOTE, THE
OTHER WON THE PRESIDENCY. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
IT’S EVEN! SO, OF COURSE HILLARY AND TRUMP
ARE TIED RIGHT NOW. IT’S INEVITABLE. IN FACT, A LATE-BREAKING TIE IS
ALMOST AS INEVITABLE AS YOU THOUGHT HILLARY WAS. AND THIS HAS BEEN “THE LATE
SHOW” POLITE REMINDER. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
NOW, IN A RELATED STORY, NATIONAL POLLS SHOW 7.6% OF
VOTERS ARE STILL UNDECIDED. REALLY? ( LAUGHTER )
GIVEN HOW PASSIONATE PEOPLE ARE ON BOTH SIDES, HOW CAN YOU STILL
BE UNSURE? THAT’S LIKE SAYING, “HMM, WHAT
DO I WANT FOR BREAKFAST? CHEERIOS OR A BOWL OF HORNETS? I BET THEY STAY CRUNCHY IN
MILK.” ( LAUGHTER )
AND YET, EVERYBODY IS CHECKING THE POLLS EVERY DAY. EVERYONE’S DESPERATE FOR ANY WAY
TO READ THE TEA LEAVES. WELL, THE GOOD PEOPLE AT SNAPPLE
WANT TO HELP– WITH TEACISION 2016. HERE’S HOW IT WORKS: YOU GOT
TWO DIFFERENT BOTTLES BEING PUT UP THIS YEAR. THIS TEA WITH A RED LABEL, WHICH
COULD REPRESENT REPUBLICANS, OR DONALD TRUMP’S FACE. ( LAUGHTER )
AND THIS TEA WITH A BLUE LABEL, WHICH COULD REPRESENT DEMOCRATS,
OR INDICATE THE FLAVOR “SECRET BLUE-MONIA.” ( LAUGHTER )
SO GO OUT AND GET WHICHEVER ONE SUITS YOU MOST. IT’S AS EASY AS BUYING A
CANDIDATE… OR A TALKSHOW HOST! BECAUSE YOU’RE PROBABLY ASKING
RIGHT NOW, YOU’RE PROBABLY ASKING YOURSELF, “WAS THIS A
PAID PROMOTION OF SNAPPLE’S DELICIOUS AND FUN TEACISION
2016?” FUN FACT: YES, IT WAS! AND IF YOU’RE ONE OF THE
UNDECIDEDS, HERE’S WHAT YOU DO: YOU JUST MIX THEM TOGETHER, ALL
RIGHT? IT’S A POETIC AND BEAUTIFUL WAY
TO BUY TWICE AS MUCH SNAPPLE.

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